Coffeehouse observation No. 328 – Like, um, cut it out!

If the woman at the next table uses the phrase “like, um, you know” one more time, I may need to scratch up some bail money. Can I count on donations?

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Coffeehouse observation No. 327 – Capt. Stubing to the Lido Deck, please …

Guy just walked into the coffeehouse wearing a white shirt with epaulettes, navy pants … and what appear to be two-tone golf shoes. Yeah, FootJoys. This guy doesn’t know whether to go to the Lido Deck or the links. … But in his defense, the epaulettes are a nice touch.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 326 – Never underestimate the power of a smile

A pretty young woman — a complete stranger — just flashed me a very big smile. That does not happen nearly often enough.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 325 – Suffering the indignity of a baby stroller

I just spotted a woman pushing a Chihuahua in a baby stroller. I can’t decide if that is an indignity or just makes the little rat-dog lucky.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 324 – A mermaid ashtray? Really?

This is something new. There’s a guy sitting on the coffeehouse patio with his own ashtray – a topless mermaid with a clamshell in her lap serving as the actual ashtray. … She’s looking away from him as if she’s pissed or something. … I suppose if someone was throwing cigarette ashes in my lap I’d be pissed, too.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 323 – Flash: O.J. did it!

I just overheard a couple of guys in the coffeehouse talking about O.J. Simpson. Apparently, he did it, the LA cops screwed up the investigation, and some of the people involved lied. These freakin’ legal geniuses should have come forward years ago! Now we know the truth. … By the way, this was intertwined with a conversation about the mob. I’m not sure how they were connected, but there you have.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 322 – Nice threads, buddy!

The guy who was sitting on the couch next to my table was wearing a great tropical shirt! Palm trees, dugout canoes, grass shacks, bright colors, perfect. I’d ask him about it but his mommy just rolled him out of the coffeehouse in his stroller. He’s a toddler.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 321 – Potentially shocking experience to come?

A sign taped to one of the tables reads “Wet floor. Don’t sit here.” A guy just came in, read the sign, ripped it off the table, sat down and plugged in his computer. I hope he doesn’t electrocute everyone in the coffeehouse. That would simply ruin my day.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 320 – Putting coffee in perspective

Coffee — you are one of the top-five things in my life. … OK, maybe one of the top three.

And, yeah, I know what that says about the rest of my life, so zip it!

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Coffeehouse observation No. 319 – Not a reflection of coffeehouse humor

The guy sitting at the next table is not nearly as funny as he thinks. Not nearly at all.

And, no, I am not sitting next to a mirror.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 318 – Intravenous coffee, please

I arrived at the coffeehouse earlier than normal and I’m feeling as if I need a coffee IV.

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Coffeehouse observation No. 317 – Coffee slackers leave coffeehouse nearly empty

Quiet coffee at the coffeehouse. The joint is nearly empty … in the middle of a holiday weekend. Some of you are simply not keeping up on your end of the bargain.

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